tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19727620374596431312024-02-07T18:40:03.848-06:00Stepping StonesThis blog is about my life. It's meant to help others in their own lives and make people realize that they are not alone. We all go through struggles and hardships in our lives and sometimes we just need to know that someone else is going through the same thing too.mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-63699849550629681882012-05-21T21:30:00.001-05:002012-05-21T21:30:42.142-05:00A Little ChineseOver a year ago K was born and what a year it has been. As her birth mom's graduation from high school began to near, I tried to think of what to get her as a gift. I asked my husband and we could not come up with anything that we felt would be special enough. Then it came to my attention that over the past year, we have been able to share in so many memories with K and we should share more of those with others.
I have a share site for K that we post pictures and milestones on, but I wanted K's birth mom to have something all her own. Something she could take to college with her and look at on days that were hard or days that she missed her family and friends. I remember having a few of those types of days in college and thought that K's cute little sweet face in pictures might just do the trick to make those long, hard days just a little bit easier.
I took some of our favorite pictures from across the year and turned them into a book for her. I added special quotes about children and babies that I had found, as well as a few songs lyrics that relate to our unique situation. I had just finished K's baby book from her first year of life and so I used some of the ideas that I put in our own book into her birth mom's book as well.
When it arrived in the mail, all bound together as a book, I could hardly wait to open the package. When I did, I realized what a difference a year makes! Never in a million years would I ever have thought that we would have the type of relationship with a birth family like we have.
I remember when we first started talking about adoption, I didn't know if I could handle an open adoption. It just seemed odd and not realistic. It sounded painful and full of emotions. But over time, as I learned more about what an open adoption entailed, I figured out that any type of adoption would be painful for all involved and always would be full of emotions, so why not do what research says is best for children and have it be open?
The number one question we get about adoption from people is if we ever see or talk to K's birth parents. You can see their faces change to a puzzled look when we tell them that yes, we see them every couple of months and we have been at some pretty major events together as one big extended family. I think some people think it's odd or weird, but to us it has become our new normal. Never, ever will I be sorry or apologize for forming a bond with them because the one who will really benefit from that relationship will be K. She will never have to wonder where she came from, if her birth parents loved her, and she will get to see that we were all there for the most important events in our family's lives, all together as one unit.
I am proud to say that her birth mom and I have a bond. I know that things will change as we all grow and time passes, but I am happy to call her my friend. I don't expect people to understand that. I wouldn't have gotten it and really understood what it was like before our adoption either. I get why people are curious and I love to brag about K and her birth mom to anyone that will listen!
When thinking about the past year and making the graduation gift, I remembered something interesting that happen almost a year ago. I don't really ever believe in those silly fortunes that come in the cookies at all Chinese places, but last summer we took K out to eat very early on after she was born. My fortune in my cookie that night said "The current year will bring you much happiness". I kept that little slip in my billfold all year and pulled it out on K's birthday to show to my husband. Pretty darn accurate if you ask me! The slip is a little dirty and worn, just like me, but still says the wonderful happy words that it did a year ago. Everytime I've had a bad day, I pull that little slip out and look at it to remind me of all good that has happened. Hopefully K's birth mom will use the book we made her in the very same way and she will have lots to smile about too.mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-67137640344190780212012-02-08T16:53:00.006-06:002012-02-08T17:49:50.361-06:00Pumpkins & PeanutsWhy has it been 8 months since I have posted on this blog? Well too many reasons to explain here, but mostly because our little peanut has been keeping us quite busy. <br /><br />Being the parent of a 9 month old is all I expected it to be and more. While most days I truly feel blessed for all that I have in my life, there are definitely days that I am exhausted and wonder what happened to my previous life. Where did the days go that I felt sure of myself and knew what each day would bring? What happened to the girl who had time to fix her hair and who didn't forget simple everyday things like mailing in the bills on time? I love being a mom so very much, but there is still part of me that wasn't quite prepared for the role and wasn't ready to give up adult Melissa to become mommy Melissa.<br /><br />Our little pumpkin brings so much joy to our lives, something that we will forever be grateful for. She also brings a whole new aspect to things like not having any time to ourselves to just be a married couple or time to focus on our own adult lives. While it comes with the territory and we welcome all that comes with being a parent, part of us (or me at least) is sad to leave some things behind. <br /><br />Leaving things behind seems to be the theme of many things in my life. I have such a hard time with it and it's something that just never gets any easier. When we decided to adopt, I was happy to have something positive to focus on. I didn't want to think about our failed IVF procedures anymore and was looking forward to having something happy come into our lives. When we met our birthfamily and everything seemed to click in place so naturally, it was a dream come true. We had been through so much at that point and the tide started to turn. I was ready to leave all the pain of infertility behind and move on.<br /><br />Moving on is not always so easy though. Peanut is the best thing to happen to us and never once has our adopting her felt unnatural. It feels as though she is our child and belongs in our family. The past 9 months have just been plain magical and so much more than I would have ever expected. Pumpkin is such a joy, our relationship with our birthfamily has continued to be wonderful, and our family finally feels whole.<br /><br />So now when the old feelings of grief and frustration about our infertility diagnosis creep up I feel super guilty. I thought I had let all of that go until everyone around me started to get pregnant AGAIN! As anyone that has dealt with infertility or has had trouble getting pregnant can tell you, there is this weird phenomenon that happens to you. Just as you are struggling with your feelings and emotions about all you are going through, suddenly everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) around you starts to announce they are pregnant.<br /><br />Now that we have our little peanut, I don't mind as much when people tell me they are expecting a baby. I can finally share in their joy and all that is to come for them. I can finally relate to them and can sometimes even give baby advice. Lately though, I have found myself getting upset and emotional again when I am around the friends and coworkers that are currently pregnant. Discussions about ultrasounds, breastfeeding, babies kicking or moving around, etc. seem to be all that I hear. I try to focus on everything positive in my life and of course I feel so lucky to have been able to adopt, but once again, I find myself grieving the things that I did not get to experience with Pumpkin. I did not get to feel her kick inside me or bond with her while breastfeeding. I did not get to experience what it feels like to be in labor with her or feel what it's like to have your body change when a life is growing inside of you.<br /><br />All of those things I hope to someday still experience, but I don't know that I ever will. Will I ever feel like I measure up to other moms and women in my life that did give birth to their own children? Probably not. Do I feel like less of a mom because we adopted and my friends and coworkers did not? Yes, every day. Do I think these are things that are normal to feel? Yes, but it still is very hard. <br /><br />While many things in life are hard and I know that, one thing I know that is easy is loving our little peanut. While I may not have given birth to her and now have to deal with the feelings that come post adoption, that doesn't change how much I love her. I love her more than I ever thought humanly possible. She has changed my life and made it so much more meaningful. While I am still sad about what we went through on our journey to becoming parents, I honestly wouldn't change any of it because if I did then we wouldn't have Pumpkin in our life now.mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-81629867794302113442011-06-23T15:53:00.003-05:002011-06-23T16:19:39.111-05:00Kennedy ElizabethWhen we arrived at the hospital, we went to the room where our birth mom was staying. She had some pain medication and was doing well. Her family was there with her and it was great to know that they were so supportive of her. What a special family they were! <br /><br />Our room wasn't cleaned and ready yet, so they were nice enough to let us be in their room with them. We talked and chatted while we waited for it to be time for the baby to actually come. Everyone at the hospital was so nice and the nurses were great. They were all so respectful of us as the adoptive parents and I was really impressed with how the hospital was so sensitive with everything since they knew an adoption was taking place. <br /><br />After several hours of waiting, it was time for the pushing to begin. We were not in the room when our baby was born, but we were right outside the door with some of the birth mom's family. We heard it when the baby came out screaming and everyone that was waiting in the hallway started crying. It was one big emotional mess out there! <br /><br />Our baby girl Kennedy Elizabeth arrived at 3:48 PM on May 3. She was the most beautiful thing we had ever seen! We knew that our baby girl would be pretty since both of her birth parents were good looking people, but never thought she would be as beautiful as she was! What a blessing to have a healthy baby arrive and be able to experience it all with her birth family.<br /><br />After a few days in the hospital, Kennedy was ready to go home with us. We had spent the entire hospital visit with the birth family and got to know them so much better. They got to meet some of our family as well and everyone seemed to really get along. There was nothing weird or uncomfortable about the situation. We wanted to be really respectful of our birth family and make sure that they got to have lots of private time with Kennedy. We exchanged special gifts with them and decided together that when we left the hospital, we would not say goodbye. We would just say "see you later" as we knew that we wanted to have visits with them in the future.<br /><br />The day that Kennedy was being released from the hospital was an emotional day. I was so excited to take her home, but scared at the same time. I was also very emotional thinking about our birth family and knowing how hard it would be for them to watch us leave with Kennedy. It was a very smooth process and when we left the hospital and loaded Kennedy into our car, we all hugged and cried. We reminded each other that we would not be saying good bye. My heart broke for them as we were getting ready to leave, but I also knew that they were strong people and would be okay. Kennedy's birth mom had a look on her face that I will never forget and we asked her if she wanted to get in the car and give Kennedy one last kiss. She did and I'm so glad she did because I wouldn't have wanted our hospital stay to end any other way.<br /><br />It's been 7 weeks since that day and our story in no way, shape, or form ends here. Over the past 7 weeks, we have formed such a great relationship with both birth parents and their families. Each are very different and special in their own way. Open adoptions often seem odd to people on the outside and until you have experienced one first hand, you really don't know what they are like. <br /><br />We think that our situation is so special and when people ask us about visiting with our birth family and communicating with them often, they think it's odd that we are so open with them. People don't understand our relationship and that's okay. The relationship we have with them is private and our own to hold on to and we don't expect people to get what it's all about. They are like an extension of our own family and I'm sure the relationship will change and grow over the years. <br /><br />We've always said that a child can't have too many people that love them, so to include Kennedy's two birth families in her life just seems like the right thing to do. She will never have to wonder where she came from or if her birth mom and dad loved her. She will always be able to get answers to questions about her adoption from us and that will make her a happier, healthier child as she grows up. We can't wait to share her with her birth parents as she grows because if it weren't for them, she wouldn't even be here. They have given us a gift that we couldn't give ourselves and for that, we will always be grateful. <br /><br />I pray for Kennedy's birth parents each and every night. I pray that they someday know what a special thing they did for us. I pray that they will someday have families of their own and be able to reach all their goals and fulfill all of their dreams. I pray that they forever hold Kennedy Elizabeth in their hearts, as we hold them in ours. I thank God for bringing them & Kennedy into our lives for our lives are better now that they are all in it.mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-44903536275729600942011-06-23T15:23:00.005-05:002011-06-23T15:52:54.220-05:00Anxiously WaitingAt the end of our dinner with our birth mom and her parents, they asked us if we would like to come to her next ultrasound. I personally was so excited to go because the only ultrasounds I had ever had were for things having to do with our IVF procedures and I really wanted to see the other side of things not dealing with infertility. We were very taken aback that they even wanted to include us in that experience and it just showed us once again what nice people they were.<br /><br />The day of the ultrasound I left work early and Eric skipped out on track practice to be there. It was really important to us that we be there to support the birth family because we knew that it was just as hard for them to be in this situation as it was for us. They too had been on a difficult journey to get to this point...a very different journey then us, but a difficult one no less.<br /><br />The ultra sound went really well. It was fun to see our baby on the screen, but I teared up a bit just out of wanting it to be me on the table, not our birth mom. It was just one more thing that I wasn't going to be able to do. I wanted more than anything to be at an ultrasound because I was carrying our own child and I was surprised at the emotions that came up again being in those offices. I felt guilty having tears rolling down my face knowing that I should be really excited and happy that our birth family was even allowing us to be at the appointment with them.<br /><br />At the end of the appointment, the birth family let us have the ultra sound pictures to keep. I felt bad taking them because it all still felt surreal and didn't quite feel like our baby yet. It was like taking something important away from them and I didn't want to do that at all! We did end up taking the pictures and now I am glad we did because we will have them forever and can share them in the future with our baby.<br /><br />As we were talking and getting ready to leave, we decided that we wanted to tell them the name we had chosen. They told us at our initial meeting what the sex of the baby was, but we had decided to keep it a secret from our family and friends. We wanted to surprise them at the birth and wanted to have something to hang on to as our own until the baby was born. I remember telling our birth family the baby's name and seeing the smile on our birthmom's face made me know that we had chosen a good one! They really liked the name and that made us feel good. We felt like we were all on the same page and could continue to move forward with the process.<br /><br />Sometime between the ultrasound and the birth, we again met for dinner. This time we met our birthmom's aunt and uncle. It was great to meet more of their family and know that she had such a support system behind her. Every time we were around them, I was reminded that she was only 17. I kept thinking about what I was doing when I was her age and I'm not sure I could have handled this type of situation as well as she was. She seemed to be doing really well, but I know that going to school each day and being around her friends while pregnant could not have been easy. I wanted to reassure her that everything would be okay and we would be there to support her, but we didn't know her that well yet and I didn't want to overstep our boundaries. I so wanted to just hug her tight and tell her how proud I was of her for the decision she was making. I did finally hug her at one point (can't remember when) and told her some of the things I had been wanting to say for a long time.<br /><br />There was only about a month or so between the time that we met the family and when the baby was due. We had just enough time to finish our nursery and begin to gather the things we would need to have for the baby when we came home from the hospital. At first I thought we wouldn't have enough time to get ready, but now looking back, it was the perfect amount of time. I don't think I could have waited much longer, so it worked out well!<br /><br />With a social worker from our agency, the birth family made a hospital plan. They were kind enough to include us on the plan and we would be able to have our own room and be notified by a nurse when she went into labor. When the due date got close, we started taking our phones to bed with us and I kept my phone out on my desk at school. I always had it on vibrate so that it wouldn't disrupt my classroom. It was SO hard to not look at it every second to see if we had a message!<br /><br />Then one day I was just teaching and going about my everyday classroom business when for some reason I decided to look at my phone. It had buzzed but I didn't hear it because my kindergarteners were loud and busy working. I didn't recognize the number, but there was a message so I checked it. It was a nurse from the hospital calling to say that our birthmom had gone into labor and that we could come to the hospital now. The birth was not imminent, but we needed to come as soon as we could.<br /><br />I quickly tried to get a hold of my husband at his school, but didn't get an answer on his cell phone. I left my class with another teacher and ran down to my principal's office to see who could cover my class. She said she would call over to my husband's school for me. She called and we finally got a hold of him after several minutes of waiting. My principal told me not to worry about my class and to go ahead and leave. I was shaking, shaking, shaking. Here was the moment we had been waiting for and I was scared out of my mind! I met my husband at home, we quick threw some things in a bag, and headed up to the hospital. We tried to hurry, but also didn't want to get a speeding ticket! It seemed like the longest drive ever. I just wanted to get there before our baby was born.mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-38163670086104692962011-06-04T23:20:00.004-05:002011-06-05T00:16:35.559-05:00Answering the CallMy last post was in mid March and since then so very much has happened. I have been asked soooo many times when I was going to update my blog and I have an extremely good reason why it's taken me so long. Read on and you will learn why...<br /><br />After all we'd been through over the winter, Eric and I decided that over our spring break in March we would take a little trip to Chicago just to get away and have some quality time together. At the advice of a social worker from our adoption agency, we decided to take a weekend trip and do some things that wouldn't be as easy to do once we received a placement. It really gave us something to look forward to as well, so we booked a hotel right off of Michigan Ave. and planned to go see some of the things we didn't get to see on our last trip there like Navy Pier, the Hancock Building, and eating REAL deep dish pizza at Gino's East. <br /><br />A few days before spring break, the phone rang and it was again our adoption agency. Every time I would see their number come up on my phone, I was nervous to answer because you just never knew what they were going to say or ask. This time it was a good thing I answered the phone because another expectant mother had looked at our book and wanted to meet us.<br /><br />We were so excited to get another call, but knew that things may not work out like we wanted to like our last experience. The social worker gave us a little bit of information about the situation and then let us decide if we wanted to come to the offices to meet. We didn't really have to think long because we already knew that we did not want to throw away any opportunities.<br /><br />We agreed on a day and time to meet at the agency and had a few days from the call until the meeting would occur. We again told our family what was happening and everyone started praying and hoping just like they always did for us. We were reluctant to tell too many people that someone had asked to meet us, so we did keep it pretty quiet. I didn't even tell my closest coworkers or friends for fear that I would jinx it! <br /><br />The day finally came for us to meet the expectant mother, her parents, the birth father, and his parents. Because of their young age, their families were very involved in the process. We were nervous to meet so many people for the first time. We knew that they had read our book and obviously liked us enough to want to meet with us, but we knew very little about them. It was almost like a blind date. We really didn't know what to expect, but walked into the meeting with confidence. We talked on the way up to the offices that we were going to just be ourselves and show them what we are really about. We wanted to make sure they knew how down to earth we are and how much we were looking forward to being parents someday. <br /><br />I will never forget walking in to the room and they were all sitting around one big table. Eric and I sat at one end of the table where everyone could just stare at us if they wanted to. I thought my heart was going to beat right out of my chest, but then we all just starting talking. The expectant mom's parents had questions they had prepared to ask us and we answered all of them as best we could. As they were asking questions and we were answering, we felt the conversation turn from being sort of like an interview, to just talking to each other and getting to know more about everyone in the room.<br /><br />The meeting lasted quite awhile and we were super impressed by both of the teenagers and their parents. It was quite evident that they came from good homes, were active in school and sports, and had plans and goals for their futures. Their families had thought through the option of adoption and knew that was the choice they wanted to make. <br /><br />When the meeting was done and it was time to say goodbye, we all hugged each other. We had talked about so many things while in that room together and it felt almost like talking with our own families. I was so impressed by everyone that my heart was filled to the brim with hope that they would choose us. I will never ever forget walking out of the building to our jeep and looking at Eric. The smile on his face was unforgettable and he looked right at me and said, "This is it. I have a good feeling about this and this is meant to be."<br /><br />All we could talk about on the ride home was the families and how much we had in common with them and what an ideal situation it was. It was almost too good to be true. We were crossing our fingers already that they would officially choose us to adopt their baby. We weren't even halfway home on the interstate when the social worker called to see how we thought it went. She told us that the families really liked us and asked how we felt about potentially moving forward with them. Of course we wanted to and we were thrilled that they liked us as much as we liked them!<br /><br />Emails were exchanged and soon after the meeting we began communicating with them. The birth mother's parents wanted to meet with us for dinner so we could get to know each other better and we agreed that we would like to do the same. We set up a time to meet before we left for our trip to Chicago. When we did meet them for dinner, it was like we had known them forever. We talked for so long that our dinner lasted about 4 or 5 hours I think! When it was time to go, we again all hugged and talked about how this situation was working out well and how much we were glad to have found each other. <br /><br />I could hardly believe that we were going to get a baby and I REALLY couldn't believe how nice the birth family was. It was like God made us wait because he knew all along that there was a family out there that would be perfect for us. He really couldn't have picked a better family to help us become our own little family as well.mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-41779846705949480722011-03-17T18:36:00.005-05:002011-03-17T19:46:10.579-05:00How Time FliesSo someone asked me not that long ago if I was still writing on my blog. Well, as you can see, I haven't posted anything since last June. I guess the answer to that question would be a big fat no! I decided today though that I would write a little update since so much has happened.<br /><br />I have to really think back to all that has happened since June. Let's see...we had a really fun, relaxing summer, full of good times. Then school started and we completed our home study with our adoption agency. That was quite a process, but we are really lucky to have a wonderful social worker (Amy) that is in charge of our case. After Amy came to do her last visit to our home, she told us we passed with flying colors. What a relief that was! The home study was finalized and signed off by the state in October. Then we began the dreaded waiting period.<br /><br />Waiting for a placement was something neither one of us was really looking forward to. It's a time period where everyone and their dog asks you how the process is going, all of the people around you either get pregnant or give birth, and you just continue to smile, say everything is fine, and explain that you are still, still, still waiting, waiting, waiting. It's a time filled with hopefulness, nervousness, and a lot of patience, which I do not have a lot of. One would think that teaching kindergarten would have taught me how to be extremely patient, but not in this case. I found myself everyday checking my phone and my email for just one glimmer of hope or information.<br /><br />In November things started to turn around. We were very busy with work and then one day UIHC called to say that we were on the top of the donor embryo list. It was finally our turn! We made the required appointment at the clinic. During our appointment, I again had to get poked in all areas, we had to take a weird psychological test, and we also got to look at the donor profiles. It took about 4 hours in all and we came away with a lot of information about the procedure and even got to pick out what donors we wanted to use. We were so excited to finally be moving in the direction of possibly becoming parents. Sometime during that day, I turned to Eric and said that now that we were doing this procedure, of course the agency was going to call and tell us that a birthmom wanted to meet us. We laughed about how that would be just our luck and then what would we do?!<br /><br />Well, literally one hour after returning home from the clinic, that is exactly what happened. We were standing in the living room of our neighbor's house when my phone rang and it was a social worker from our agency calling to say that a young teenage girl had looked at our profile and wanted to meet us in a few days. My mouth about fell to the floor! I turned to Eric and told him that he was not going to believe what just happened. Talk about shock!<br /><br />After much thought, we decided to meet with the young couple who had requested to meet with us. We knew there was a chance that the embryo procedure might not work and we didn't want to turn away meeting a birthmom when we had already been waiting so long. We decided that if nothing else, we would get our first meeting out of the way. If she chose us, then we would deal with that when it happened. <br /><br />A few days later we met with the young couple. It was an interesting meeting to say the least! Not knowing what that type of meeting would be like, we really didn't know what to expect. The young mom was due around Christmas and she was having a girl. The idea of having a little baby around for the holidays seemed like the best Christmas gift we could ever get! After talking for a little over an hour, we left not really knowing how we felt about the whole thing. We didn't really connect with the couple, but didn't know if we were really supposed to. Something in our gut told us that maybe this couple wasn't the right fit for us. We knew we would be connected for life to the couple since our adoption will be open and we were not super comfortable with the whole situation. It gave us a lot to think about, but we did feel like we were lucky to still have the option of the embryo transfer.<br /><br />Thanksgiving was the following week and of course we talked a lot with our families about the meeting. Everyone agreed that maybe this wasn't the right situation and things would work out the way that God wanted them to. A couple of weeks later we found out that the young couple had decided to parent on their own and I often wonder how they are doing today.<br /><br />Somewhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I got one of the most devastating phone calls. The clinic called and said that they had again spoken with our insurance and that we would be responsible for far more money then was previously told to us. The procedure was going to be extremely expensive and we would be expected to pay the money upfront before the embryo transfer was done. I was shopping at the time and immediately drove home and told Eric the news. All the money we had saved up towards an adoption would now have to be used for the embryo transfer. What if the procedure didn't work? Then we would not have any money to use to adopt. We had to have insurance money in order to move forward with the procedure and now that was gone. We cried and cried and cried. Why was everything always so hard for us? Why did it seem that just when good things were happening, everything had to come crashing down? <br /><br />From the very beginning of our journey to becoming parents, Eric and I had always said that we never wanted money to be the reason to stop us. Now here we were, faced with the very thing we were the most afraid of. I was so pissed that someone sitting in an office somewhere at an insurance company was going to keep me from ever giving birth to a child. I couldn't believe that with everything we had already gone through that this was happening to us. I remember going to school the next day and crying with my coworkers. They hugged me and I cried more. I remember telling them that I just wanted to be a mom and I didn't understand why the world wasn't allowing me to do that. <br /><br />For days I felt like the world was against us. Now not only did the young couple not choose us, but we didn't even have the embryo transfer to look forward to. Christmas was right around the corner and I was super grouchy. I felt like all I did was wear my crabby pants every single day. Winter break and a few days off of work couldn't <br />come fast enough.<br /><br />While on Christmas break, I began to feel a little bit better. I decided to continue to have a positive attitude and thanks to Eric, I convinced myself that good things were to come. Then two people close to us announced they were pregnant and I was right back in my hole of depression. I hated being upset about it when I should be happy for them. Of course I was excited for their news, but I was also mad that it wasn't happening to us. It's so exhausting being happy and sad at the same time. I can't begin to explain how often that has happened to us and I was just tired of having to act like everything was okay. While at my in-laws for Christmas, I sat upstairs in the guest room crying by myself. It was just too much to take and I needed a break.<br /><br />In January we went to a couple of trainings with our agency. It was really great to be around other couples in the same situation as us. It made us feel a little more normal and we could talk about things and not feel like no one understood. Just being in the same room as other adoptive couples made me feel better because I knew that we were not alone. <br /><br />In April it will have been a year since we started the adoption process and over 5 years that we have been trying to become parents. I have learned so much about myself, the strength of our marriage, and life in general during all of this. I can't say that I ever thought this would be the path we would be taking, but I can say that I am glad to be on this journey with such a strong, supportive husband. Eric is going to be one heck of a father someday and I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be an awesome mother as well. Our future baby is going to be pretty darn lucky to have us and we will have such a story to tell them about how they came to be part of our family!mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-62794359605585308482010-06-30T18:05:00.002-05:002010-06-30T18:31:28.313-05:00Tiny Shining LightThe end of the school year was so busy, that I didn't even have time for myself, let alone time to write on this blog. The month of June has been busy too, but busy in a much different way. <br /><br />At the beginning of the month, my husband and I took a much needed vacation to the northwest US to visit his aunt in Vancouver, Washington. While we were there, we did so many fun things and saw so many great places. We visited Seattle, Portland, and the Oregon coast. It was a week full of early morning car rides and late evenings arriving back home, but well worth it. I got to cross a few things off of my bucket list like, visiting Oregon and Washington (two of the four states I have not visited & now I just have Alaska and Hawaii left), getting my husband to attend musical theatre (we saw Putnam County Spelling Bee & it was hilarious), and watching Cirque Du Soleil (we attended Kooza...SO AWESOME). It was sometime during our trip that I realized that we have a pretty awesome life together. Even though the past few years have been full of heartache and frustration, we are very lucky to have each other and are fortunate to be able to do such fun things together. I realized that not everyone gets to marry and spend their life with their best friend and that is not something that I should take for granted. My husband and I experienced so many new things together on our vacation, that it will be a hard trip to top in the future.<br /><br />Soon after arriving home from our trip, I met my friend for lunch and shopping at the local outlet mall. It was so good to catch up with her and have a little girl time together. Of course the conversation turned to her son, which she lost last winter. I suddenly found myself giving her advice about dealing with loss based on what my family went through when my mom passed away. That was very odd for me, but it made me realize that it's okay to talk about my mom and it made me feel good to actually speak her name. Why in the world have I not done that before with my closet and dearest friends? Weird I know, but hopefully I will continue to do it in the future and soon maybe talking about my mom will get a little easier.<br /><br />This month we also finally began to do some decorating around our house. My husband finally got to hang all of his Iowa wrestling stuff in our garage since we finally got around to painting the inside of it. He told me once it was all done that it was just like he wanted it and he had always dreamed of having a garage just like ours. Who knew that a garage would make him so happy! We also recently painted our livingroom/kitchen. I got the chance to decorate it just like I had always wanted and for days now, my husband has been complimenting it and telling me how nice it looks. Again, having our house turn into a real home makes me realize how lucky we are to even have our house. We have a wonderful home that we get to share together and hopefully fill with children someday.<br /><br />Speaking of children, this month we also moved forward with the adoption process. We passed the informal stage with flying colors and moved on to the formal application stage. It took a few weeks to gather all of the information needed for our application, but we again passed it with flying colors. Now we are awaiting paperwork to begin our home study. So far it's been a smooth process and one that we are ready to take on full force. We are still on a waiting list at UIHC for embryo donation and recently we were told that we are now the 3rd name on list one. That is good news and it gives us hope that someday we WILL have a child of our very own.<br /><br />The whole month of June has been a huge eye opener for me. This summer has been so much fun and VERY different then last summer, which was filled with horrible news and just plain sucked for us. This summer I have been keeping a positive attitude about whatever comes my way and it seems to be helping. I have been exercising 3 times a week and that has been helping too. I have been focusing on the more important things in life and that has REALLY been helping a lot! I can see a tiny little light at the end of the tunnel and I know for sure now that good things are definitely in store for us in the future.mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-39598680002023005722010-05-06T20:40:00.002-05:002010-05-06T20:56:32.625-05:00Guilty As ChargedNow that we've decided to fully work towards adopting, I don't feel as guilty about not yet being a mother. The guilt of not being able to become pregnant has haunted me since the day my OBGYN told me that she wanted to send me on to a special clinic for a more detailed evaluation.<br /><br />I have been so weighed down with the fact that I have not be able to start a family with my husband. I have cried and cried with him, telling him that I wouldn't blame him if he left me for another girl that would be able to help him become a father. Of course, he thinks that's ridiculous and tells me that he wouldn't leave me for anything. I do secretly think though that if he were married to someone else, he would probably have had the chance to be a father years ago.<br /><br />The fact that his parents are not grandparents yet haunts me too. I can't tell you how guilty I feel for not being able to give them the grandchild that they so deserve. My parents have other grandchildren, so it doesn't feel like I'm letting my dad down as much, but for my husband's parents, we were their first chance at a grandbaby. I'm sure they had huge dreams when we got married of lots of grandchildren in the future, but leave it to me to be the one to squash all of that!<br /><br />I'm sure it has to be hard for them to see their friends and siblings have grandchildren and they are still just waiting patiently with nothing. I feel like such a failure in that department knowing that they are missing out on a huge part of parenting just like us. I can't change it, but I still am very critical of myself and how this whole situation has turned out. I know that it's not my fault, but it's still hard not to feel bad about it.<br /><br />I think others feel bad for us too because we have had a few people offer to be surrogates for us. It's funny though because we don't need anyone to carry a baby for us because I can do that part. It's the getting pregnant part that we currently can't overcome. I still find it odd that anyone would care that much about us to even offer to make such a sacrifice, but it speaks to how special some of the people in our lives are. I will forever be grateful for how much support people have given us and frankly, somedays it gets overwhelming. It's just hard to imagine why people would care so much about little old me, but I'm sure glad that you all do. Someday maybe I will care as much for myself as everyone tells me I should, but until then, I'm just going to work on one thing at a time.mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-3423313517587489362010-05-06T20:03:00.005-05:002010-05-06T20:40:00.896-05:00Sunshine After the RainIn early April we finally decided to start exploring the idea of adopting a child. We had been talking about it for awhile, but hadn't really started to act on any of our discussions. I finally began to contact people that I knew would be helpful in gathering information.<br /><br />We knew a few things going in, one being that we wanted to use a faith based agency or organization. I contacted our priest and he gave us some contact information for a Catholic agency based out of Des Moines. They emailed us back right away and told us that they currently were not doing any infant adoptions. Well, that was a disappointment, so then I started exploring some other options.<br /><br />I read up on a few agencies and asked them to send us information. We got so many things to read from each agency in the mail and it was slightly overwhelming. We thought that maybe we should attend a few of the adoption workshops that different places offer and that might help answer some of our questions.<br /><br />When you start thinking about adopting, so many things go through your head. Do we want an infant or an older child? Would be want to adopt a minority child or a child from another country? How would we feel about our child having any special needs or unknown issues that might show up in the future? What if we aren't given much information about the biological parents or there was no prenatal care?<br /><br />I was very nervous to attend our first workshop because I just plain didn't know what to expect. We took the day off of work and drove all the way to Denison for the workshop. When we got there, there were a few other couples close to our age. We had to wear name tags of course and tell about ourselves and why we were there. That was the first time we had really publicly told our story to anyone that was not close to us. Telling our story to complete strangers was interesting, but after hearing their stories, I finally realized that we were not alone. Their stories almost matched ours to a tee and I felt normal for the first time in months! Being around people who had been through failed IFV's and were now faced with the choice of to adopt or not was a relief. One couple had even been using the same clinic at the U of I and is on the same donor list as us. They told us privately that they found out they can't have children at all. I felt so bad for them since we know we are able to have a biological child. Just when you think you have it bad, someone always is worse off than you.<br /><br />The workshop was good. We gained a ton of knowledge about all of the aspects that go into adopting a child. We felt the agency would be a good fit for us, but still wanted to explore other options to be sure. In the meantime, we are attending other workshops with other agencies to gather as much information as we can. We have another meeting at the end of this month, which I'm really excited about.<br /><br />One of the issues we discussed at the workshop was attachment problems that can happen for babies when adopted. It was so weird because the very next week at my night class, attachment disorders in early childhood was our topic. It just so happened that the story of the lady who sent her adopted son back to Russia on a plane by himself with some money had just been in the news. We got on the topic of attachment with adoption and everyone had an opinion about the mother on the news. The comments the college students were making were really interesting. After about 30 minutes of listening to them blab on and on, one of the older women in my class piped up and said that she had adopted all of her children, one of which has special needs. She told us her story of adopting her son from Korea and how many attachment issues they had to work through when he was a toddler. She was so brave for speaking up and verifying that yes, there can be issues with adoption, but contrary to what was happening in the news, adoption can end up being wonderful.<br /><br />After she told her story, one of the quietest girls in the class spoke up and said that she and her brother were both adopted when they were babies. She told her whole story and it was so awesome to hear what an impact being adopted made on her life. She said that she doesn't know what her life would have been like if her parents hadn't adopted her and here she is now about to graduate from college. Such a sweet girl and the way she told her story really impacted me. I left class that night knowing in my heart that I truly would be okay with becoming a mom through adoption. Up until that day, I had not been fully sure if I would still have a yearning to carry a child and be pregnant. I wasn't sure if I would be able to give up the chance to experience all of that, but I figured out that I'm not giving up the chance at all. I'm giving a baby a chance at life, which is such a huge thing! Just because I'm not giving birth to a baby doesn't mean that I can't be its mother.mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-82849627147774487542010-04-28T20:47:00.002-05:002010-04-28T21:11:32.869-05:00The ListI've been away from my blog for a few days now and it's given me a chance to reflect back on what I've written. Most of my posts have had sort of a negative tone to them and I'm afraid that I may have depressed a few people. That was not my intention, so in order to brighten up the mood, I am going to tell our story of getting put on the list.<br /><br />After our second failed attempt to get pregnant through IVF, we met with the doctors. We of course had many questions to ask them. I didn't know where to start. My main question was why wasn't this working and what could I be doing to help better our medical situation. The answer I got was that there was no answer and that I was doing everything that I should be doing. Well, thanks for telling me the obvious, but can't you just lie to me and tell me something I can work on? <br /><br />What they did end up telling us was that after looking at all the information they had gained through the course of our treatment at the clinic, was that we were both reproductively healthy. Individually we were just fine, but put us together and we were not compatible. If you have ever watched the TV show Friends, you might remember the episode where Monica and Chandler find out that their sperm and eggs don't get along. Well, that is essentially what we were told. I guess my eggs are just bitchy and won't let the sperm come to their party! <br /><br />We will never really know if the eggs don't like the sperm or if the sperm just plain don't like my eggs. What we do know though is that there are other ways of going about becoming parents. At our last meeting with our doctors, they asked us if we would like to try IVF again. Immediately we said no. We had many discussions at home before meeting with the doctors with us ultimately deciding that neither one of us wanted to put ourselves through the torture of it all again.<br /><br />They did tell us though that we are perfect candidates for a donor embryo. Because I can completely be pregnant and can carry a baby just fine, all I need is a healthy embryo. We decided to go for it and they put us on their waiting list. How it works is that there are five lists, with list one having the most priority. List one is for people that are young, healthy, and do not currently have any children. We made it on list one and are number 5 on that list. I'm hoping by now that we have made it higher up (we were put on the list several months ago), but we'll just have to wait and see.<br /><br />It can take about 18 months or so to get to the top of the list. Of course, we're hoping the list moves a little faster! When you get to the top of the list, you get to look through a binder full of information about people who have donated embryos. Thank goodness there are people out there willing to share the embryos that they did not use during their own IVF procedures! When you have more than enough to use, you can choose to freeze them. Once frozen they are yours to use in the future or you can donate them to another couple going through the clinic or to the clinic to use for research purposes. <br /><br />The binder contains all sorts of information about each male and female attached to the embryo. You will know their age, hair color, eye color, religion, jobs, family medical history, level of education, success with other pregnancies, etc. It's amazing to me the way science works and how people have even figured out how to do all this, but thank goodness some doctor was interested enough in the subject of reproduction to work on creating a way to take a frozen embryo, thaw it out, implant it, and have it produce a beautiful healthy baby. <br /><br />Once we get to the top of the list, the U of I will call us and ask us if we would like to choose an embryo. Some people decline due to many reasons like getting pregnant on their own while waiting or adopting. If we decide to do it, we can choose an embryo that has the characteristics that we want. We could even choose one that has a mother similar to me and a father similar to my husband. How weird is that!<br /><br />Right now we're playing the waiting game with the list. In the meantime we are also exploring our options with adoption. Whatever road we choose to go down, our journey is definitely not over!mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-5658394584116655672010-04-25T14:58:00.002-05:002010-04-25T15:27:39.159-05:00Babies, Babies EverywhereSomebody needs to write a book about what to expect when you're NOT expecting and everyone else around you IS. Right now at this very minute, I have 8 friends that are currently expecting babies and 10 friends that just had babies in the last year. Not to mention the three parents in my classroom that are also expecting new babies. That's a lot of pregnant woman around me!<br /><br />It's always an odd situation to be in when someone announces they are pregnant and you are wishing it was you. I am always happy and excited for that person, but I also secretly want to crawl into a hole and cry. I want so badly for us to be the couple announcing that we are expecting, but deep down inside, I know that is most likely not going to happen. Even though our doctors always tell us that we can't say that it will 100% NEVER happen, we know that there is a slim chance.<br /><br />One time last year, a coworker of ours announced that she was expecting a new baby. I was so excited for her because I knew that they had wanted to have another child for awhile. I congratulated her and then went right back to my classroom to cry. I didn't realize how much it was affecting me being around so many pregnant people. It's so in your face every day and you can't get away from it. It's a constant reminder of what you can't have. It's almost like dangling a piece of candy in front of a child, telling them how awesome the candy will taste, and then taking it away from them. <br /><br />My husband knows how sensitive I am in this area and so it's funny because he'll feel me out to see what kind of day I'm having before he tells me that one of his friend's wives is pregnant. I feel bad for him too because he has several friends becoming fathers and I know that he wants so badly to be one too. I can't help but feel guilty that I might possibly be the reason why is not yet a father, but I know that is not a fair assessment of our situation. <br /><br />I can not tell you how hard it is to watch literally almost everyone around have babies. We so desperately want to have one ourselves, but at the same time, we are extremely happy and excited for those around us who are experiencing the joys of parenting. We just want to be given the same opportunity.<br /><br />When someone out there finally writes a book about what to expect when you're not expecting and everyone else is, they need to include the top 10 comebacks to say to people when they ask you when you are going to have children. Once you have been married a certain amount of time or reach a certain age, society says that you should be having children. We get asked that question so often and it gets a little old. We obviously want children, so we just tell people that someday we will have children. <br /><br />Another chapter in the book should be how to handle all the baby showers that you will have to endure when all of your friends are having babies and you are not. You have to put on a brave face, shop for gifts that you wish you were buying for yourself, and be happy for your friends. It is exhausting doing all of that while you are dying inside. I love holding newborn babies, but at the same time, it's hard because I feel like I may never get to do that. I am missing out on so many experiences that my friends get to have everyday. I love my friends with all of my heart, but it's really tough to feel dual emotions (happy for your friend who is having a baby and sad for yourself who is not) at the same time. I wish they had a handbook about how to handle that.<br /><br />Another chapter in the book needs to include tips for people that are supporting those of us struggling to have children. No one ever knows what to say to us and we hate it when people say they're sorry. What are you sorry about? It's not your fault. That makes me mad when people say that because the last thing I want is sympathy. There are much worse things happening to people out in the world and we have a lot of things to be happy about. I wish people would just say a kind word, give us a hug, and move on to the next topic. No one wants to hear the details of our situation, nor do I want to tell everyone, so it sometimes becomes an elephant in the room. It's okay people, we are not dying, we are just having a little bit of bad luck in the baby department!mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-11378259475973566142010-04-22T18:47:00.002-05:002010-04-22T19:21:13.524-05:00Little Boy BrockThe holiday season this year was helpful for me. It was nice to be able to spend time with family and take our minds off of all we had been through. Usually the holidays are the worst time of year because I think about our family Christmas's growing up and it makes me sad for all the holidays that my mom has missed. <br /><br />We spent a lot of time with both of our families this holiday season and even got to finally begin painting the interior of our new house. I say new, even though we have lived here a year and still have what I refer to as "construction white" on our walls. The only room that has been painted is the guest bathroom. Imagine that, the one room that we don't use very often and that's the one we decide to start decorating!<br /><br />At any rate, the holidays were good and New Year's was even better. We spent a quiet, yet fun night at my brother-in-law's house hanging out with good friends. Nothing like spending time with friends to make you feel better! Friends is not an area that either of us are lacking in. <br /><br />I have been super lucky in regards to having really great friends in my life. There is a group of 4 woman who I have been friends with since preschool and elementary school. The 5 of us still get together for girls weekends and even our husband like to hang out with each other. We have been through just about everything you can imagine between all of us and have been there to support each other, no matter what the issue is. What I love about these woman is that they don't judge me for anything that I do. In all of the years that we have been friends, they have never said one negative thing to me about any of the choices I have made in my life. <br /><br />Our friendship has evolved over the years. In college it changed slightly as we all made new friends to add to the old. When we started getting married, we were of course all in each others weddings (or will be once we are all married I'm sure!). Two of us have had children, which again changed our friendships, but for the better. When you see your closet friends become mothers, it's the best thing in the world. You picture your own children spending time together just like you did. My two friends are the best moms. I say that with a little bias, but I really do look forward to being a wonderful mom just like them.<br /><br />Like I said before, the 5 of us have been through just about everything together. We have supported each other through our own health issues, our parent's health issues, dating problems, engagements, the joys of weddings, and whatever else you can think of. One thing I never thought we'd have to go through was the death of one of our children.<br /><br />It was January and I was sort of getting back into a funk with my emotions. The holidays were over and it was depressing to think about having to face our two failed IVF procedures again. I didn't have much to look forward to because spring break was a long ways away and the end of the school year wasn't even on the radar yet.<br /><br />One day after school my cell phone was beeping. I never have my cell phone out during the school day, but I decided that I had better check the message. It was one of my friends. I could tell by the sound of her voice that this was not a good message. She could barely mutter out the words that I needed to call her at the first chance I had. I figured I had better just call right that second because I wanted to make sure that everything was okay.<br /><br />I should have waited until I got home, but I didn't. Standing in my empty classroom, my friend told me the worst news possible. Our other friend's barely 2 year-old son had passed away in his sleep. We had just been there the weekend before playing with him, so at first I didn't believe her. I had to sit down and didn't even know what to say. She cried and I cried. After a few minutes, we got off the phone after deciding that I would call her again that evening.<br /><br />I immediately called my husband at his school and asked him to please stop at my school on his way home. When he arrived, he rushed into my room and I told him the news. He started crying and we embraced. I then did the ugly cry and hoped that none of my coworkers in the rooms around us could hear me.<br /><br />I couldn't believe that he was gone. He was the cutest, sweetest little boy that you could ever meet. His personality was just starting to blossom and he already had his parent's sense of humor. I just couldn't believe that God would take him away. What was wrong with this world and why did he take him so early from everyone?<br /><br />I just didn't get it. The next few days were really hard. It took me forever to call my friend to console her. I had texted her, but didn't call right away because I just plain didn't know what to say. Here I had been grieving the child that I was not able to have and now she was grieving the child that had been taken away. <br /><br />We went to the memorial service and the funeral. It was one of the hardest funerals I have ever been to. He just looked like a little doll in his casket and I just kept thinking he should be jumping out and running back to his house to play with his dog, which was also his best buddy. It just plain was not fair!<br /><br />It took all of me not to be mad at the world and to be there for our friends. My husband had a really hard time seeing her husband, who had become his good friend, grieve the loss of his son. Us wanting children so badly and them losing their child was just too much to take.<br /><br />I think Hallmark needs to make cards for people that are grieving the loss of not being able to have a child. When someone dies you can send flowers, or cards, or make food, but no one does those things when people are mourning the loss of not being able to have a child. Why is that? I never got flowers when I had all of my procedures or even when they all failed to create a pregnancy. Is that because people are uncomfortable with the topic or is it because they don't know what to say or do? That is something that I will have to think a little more about. <br /><br />I love my friends dearly and I can't say that I know anything about losing a child. What I do know is that grieving is not easy. It is a process and it takes time. My hope for the future is that my friends begin to heal and have joy in their lives again. I also hope the same happens for my husband and I. <br /><br />Love you forever Amy, Neal, and Brock!mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-7487571667396109312010-04-21T19:30:00.002-05:002010-04-21T19:54:45.553-05:00Try #2The clinic's next up-time happened to start right before school was supposed to begin again. I immediately told the doctors that I would not be in the right frame of mind nor would I be able to relax and rest at the start of the school year. People that have not taught have no idea how stressful the beginning of the school year really is! Plus I had just moved to a different school in my district and was still getting used to being with new staff in a different building. I didn't think it would be the best time for me to be dealing with all the things that come with IVF.<br /><br />We settled on the next up-time which was at the beginning of November. That would put our procedures right around Thanksgiving. We thought that might work better because things would have settled down and it would be closer to when we would have time off for the holidays.<br /><br />When it got closer, I decided I had better inform the other kindergarten teachers about what I was about to go through for the second time. I also informed my principal who was so completely understanding and supportive. I was so glad to have a boss that understood the emotions that come with trying to have a child and she was willing to flexible with me as far as time off for doctor appointments and such.<br /><br />This time around that shots were a little better. My husband had become a pro at giving them to me and we often joked about how maybe his calling was not to be a PE teacher, but instead to be a nurse. I did have a bad reaction to one of the injections though that I did not have the first time and had a softball size area on my hip that was bruised, bright red, and hard as a rock. I remember going to school one day and I acted like nothing was wrong, but man it hurt so much to walk! My class kept bumping into it as they moved around the room and I winced every time!<br /><br />As the time for the retrieval and the implantation came closer, I started counting the days on the calendar. I realized that if my levels followed the same rate as the last round, I might have one procedure on a Sunday and the other on actual Thanksgiving. Well, guess what?! That is what happened. We went in on a Sunday for the egg retrieval and I went right back to work the next day. On Mondays in my classroom we often do a weekend update activity where the kids tell what they did over the weekend. If they only knew what I had been doing all weekend that time! <br /><br />That Thursday we went in for the implantation. I told the nurses how sorry I was that they had to be there on Thanksgiving. They told me it was no big deal and that they were actually cooking Thanksgiving dinner in their lounge as they were working with me. I laughed and we joked about multitasking. <br /><br />Knowing what we knew from the first round, they decided that they would go straight to ICSI and so we knew going in that our embryos were much healthier. They looked good and the team chose the two strongest to implant. It was a really smooth procedure and the nurse held my hand this time. She said a little prayer while stroking my head and it brought a tear to my eye. <br /><br />We again stayed there the allotted time and went home to cook our own Thanksgiving dinner. My husband made me lay on the couch, but we did have a nice dinner together that day. I remember thinking that even though we didn't get to be with our families on that holiday, it was okay because we were trying to make our own little family.<br /><br />We waited the 15 days again. That was the worst. I had to go to work every day and wonder and not be able to talk to very many people about it. No one really knew and that again made it difficult. It was the holiday season and you are supposed to be jolly, so I put on a brave face and did just that.<br /><br />Well, to make a long story short, our results were again negative. This house was not going to have a baby in it. No baby would be sleeping in our extra room that we had decided would be our nursery. We would not have great news to share with everyone at Christmas. <br /><br />I went into a dark place within myself. I have always been really hard on myself and my husband has always told me to not put so much pressure on myself. This was not good for me. I didn't know anyone that had been through this and so I didn't know who to turn to. Every time I talked about it to anyone, I immediately started to cry. It was taking over my life and I didn't know what to do. Thank goodness Christmas break came fast because I have never needed time off so much in my life!mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-92172316651935832872010-04-21T19:08:00.002-05:002010-04-21T19:30:38.503-05:00No Pot of Gold Under This RainbowWe waited for what seemed like an eternity and then the day finally came. To find out your results, you go have your blood drawn in the morning and then call the patient line after 3:00 PM. It's weird because the nurses record a message for you to listen to. I suppose because they don't want to have to personally talk to you if it is bad news.<br /><br />After our attempt at IVF, we called the patient line and got bad news. I was not pregnant. The nurse said in the message that they would discuss our case at their next team meeting and our doctors would figure out what our next step should be. They always record on there that if you need emotional or mental support to contact them so you can meet with one of the therapists on call.<br /><br />I needed more than a therapist at that point! Good thing that my husband had a strong shoulder to cry on because I needed it. I felt like nothing in my life had ever been easy and hadn't I been challenged enough by God already? If he had a plan for us, why was he making us suffer so much? Why all the heartache and defeat? <br /><br />I was really angry at the world and one day in the shower I actually had to hold onto the side because I was crying so hard. I never in my life have experienced emotions like this and really didn't know how to handle it.<br /><br />We had only told our closet friends and family about IVF at this point. That made it really difficult to cope when it didn't work because people didn't know what we had been through. To the outside world, we were two teachers enjoying their summer off, but that certainly was not the case. We had to put on a constant face that showed everything was fine, when in reality, we were both barely holding on.<br /><br />I remember having to leave parties and social functions that summer to have Eric give me my timed shots during the preparation period and people asking why we had to leave early. How do you explain it without lying or having to tell your whole story? It makes for a very weird, depressing conversation that can really put a damper on a party. <br /><br />We chose to be private about it and I often felt very offended when people knew second hand information about our situation. People told others about it and I felt it wasn't their information to tell. The reason why that upset me was that it took away my right to tell people our full story when we were ready to do so.<br /><br />After a couple of weeks the doctors contacted us and we set up an appointment. At our appointment they explained to us what they had learned from our first attempt and what we could try differently next time. I was pretty hesitant to say right away if I wanted to try again using IVF. I wasn't sure if I could handle it all over again. That meant more shots, more medicine, more procedures, and more keeping secrets from people about what was going on in our lives. My husband and I discussed it over the course of a few days and decided that on the clinic's next up-time (the times when they are doing IVF and not just woman's medicine) we would try again. They put us on the list for the next round and that was that.mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-31465948762833653352010-04-20T17:50:00.004-05:002010-04-20T17:54:49.675-05:00No, These Are Not Pine Tree Needles!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimoSL91iL16mBtv_-QHBAowG8Bv31o0gYGAVkUIMOequypS-QknXS3bzSPZyX2He1BgNjqBWe1U1oeMvoEw74Fp2PxGTTNiQlkMrmsLut1kyEFCsKFnnmLndWTrfpUeynu6q0G4ftZk78/s1600/IMG_2171.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimoSL91iL16mBtv_-QHBAowG8Bv31o0gYGAVkUIMOequypS-QknXS3bzSPZyX2He1BgNjqBWe1U1oeMvoEw74Fp2PxGTTNiQlkMrmsLut1kyEFCsKFnnmLndWTrfpUeynu6q0G4ftZk78/s320/IMG_2171.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5462356921658688642" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitjvKmcgf02lUcIlqtb4u0kxYcgkdm2qdQ5PMq0cBoaDLJnnp2Gckud3gdqKe7QimYll5rTaIAYPUih8-lw5sN7kYbuUnNI7AqJPATadU2H-6wnp9gnn20DX1mnlmaf7BKS4K6DsKaUtc/s1600/IMG_2169.JPG"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitjvKmcgf02lUcIlqtb4u0kxYcgkdm2qdQ5PMq0cBoaDLJnnp2Gckud3gdqKe7QimYll5rTaIAYPUih8-lw5sN7kYbuUnNI7AqJPATadU2H-6wnp9gnn20DX1mnlmaf7BKS4K6DsKaUtc/s320/IMG_2169.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5462356912596228162" /></a><br />These are some of my lovely needles that we used for my injections. Notice the size of the individual needle...it is the length of my whole pinky finger! That is just the end of the needle without it's syringe, but that entire thing had to be pushed into my hip. Not fun at all!mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-56305231581116248972010-04-20T16:58:00.002-05:002010-04-20T17:32:17.398-05:00Waiting for An Egg to HatchLast year my husband and I decided to go ahead and go for it. We were going to give IVF a try. After talking with our team of doctors and learning how the process would work, we decided that we would wait until school was out. We figured it would be best to be able to relax after the procedure and summer would be the best time to do that.<br /><br />The day the box arrived at our house containing all the medicine and needles we would need, I was in shock! The box was as big as a TV, contained a cooler full of medicine, and had more needles in it then I had ever seen. I immediately looked at my husband to see what his facial expression was, as I was beginning to have second thoughts. <br /><br />We went through the box, checking the specialty pharmacy slips (our insurance required us to use a special mail order pharmacy) to make sure that everything we needed was there. The idea that all of this medicine was needed to have a baby was devastating. This was not the picture I had in my mind when I had dreamed of having a child. I never once thought that timed shots full of burning medicine would have any place in my journey to becoming a mother.<br /><br />The first night of shots was interesting. We tried our best to remember what the nurses had told us and remind ourselves what we had learned when they taught us how to give the shots into a rubber ball. Pushing the needles into the rubber was no big deal, but the thought of pushing needles into my abdomen, thigh, and hip was awful. I wasn't sure I would be able to do it all without breaking down.<br /><br />My husband gave me the 3 shots every night at the assigned time. Some of the needles were large gauge needles and some were insulin size. Some of the medicine was ok and some burned like crazy when injected. Every third day I had to go get blood drawn at the U of I to see what shots, what amount of medicine, and at what time we should do the next round of injections. Between the injections and blood draws, I was a bloody, bruised up mess. <br /><br />Finally after several weeks of oral medicine and injections, my blood tests showed that my levels were good for egg retrieval. During the egg retrieval, you are put under and your eggs are basically harvested out using a needle. They suck the eggs right out! Luckily you feel nothing as you are asleep, but it doesn't feel very good once you wake up. I will spare you the details.<br /><br />My husband tells me that when I was waking up from the procedure, I was hilarious. I apparently was telling funny stories about our dogs to the nurses. They really got a kick out of me! They were the best nurses though and I am so grateful that they were there to help us that day.<br /><br />After egg retrieval, they send you home and you rest and take it easy until implantation day. On the day of implantation, they take the embryo (the egg and sperm that they have watched in a dish in the lab) and they implant it into your uterus. They can do the implantation after 3-5 days.<br /><br />On one of those days, we woke up to a phone call. It was the doctors from the clinic telling us that we had stumped them. What do you mean we have stumped you? After all we have been through, the months of testing, the weeks medicine, the who-knows-how-many number of shots, and you have bad news to tell me and you can't explain it to me? You are a specialist that has been working in this clinic for many years and you're telling me that our egg and sperm have defied science and you have no explination for it? Excuse me? I didn't just spend tens of thousands of dollars on this to not have a baby and have you tell me that we STUMPED YOU!!!<br /><br />I cried and cried and cried. My husband cried and cried and cried. It was not a good day. Our embryos were not growing and the ones that were, were not looking healthy. There was a large chance that we would have nothing that would be healthy enough to implant. They asked us if we would be willing to let them do ICSI, which is where they intervene in the lab and basically force the egg to allow the sperm to enter. Some couples opt out of ICSI because it goes against their religious beliefs. I on the other hand told them to do whatever they needed to do to make this work and I hung up the phone.<br /><br />They watched the embryos for a few days, updating us on what was happening. A few ended up growing, but the success rate since we had to wait so many days, was going down by the minute. They decided that two of them were healthy enough to implant. We crossed our fingers that even though the odds were so far against us, it just might work. <br /><br />During the implantation procedure, you are wide awake. Your spouse is allowed in the surgical suite with you, as well as a few nurses and your main doctor. They have warm blankets, music, and a little window that they hand the embryo through straight from the lab. It's so weird because they actually had a CD that said "IVF Mix" on it to play. They didn't play that one for us, but we have always wondered what songs are on that CD!<br /><br />They give you a little report card where they have rated your embryos and show you pictures of how they have grown. You actually get to watch on a screen as the embryo is implanted into your uterus. It's the only time that you can actually see the conception of your child. Weird, I know, but true.<br /><br />After it's over, you stay in the surgical suite for quite some time. They give you a little picture of the embryo in your womb, as sort of the baby's first photo. After you've stayed your required time, you leave the hospital and go home. Then you play the waiting game. About 15 days later you return to the clinic for a blood test to tell you if it was successful. For someone like me that has no patience, those 15 days were the worst ever!mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-89856403006508005242010-04-19T18:57:00.002-05:002010-04-19T19:20:45.885-05:00The Build-Up Leads to RealityThis might be the hardest post for me to write...The real reason for this blog is to help me work through some feelings. This particular post is going to be one that will surprise people, but will hopefully give people a new perspective on their own lives.<br /><br />We had the best wedding a girl could imagine. I had so much fun planning our wedding and the process was not stressful at all. I enjoyed every minute of it and on our actual wedding day, I was not nervous one bit. I loved my husband-to-be so much and I just knew this was the beginning of a great life together.<br /><br />The first two years of our marriage were awesome. We spent time really getting to know ourselves as a married couple. We bought a house, added two beagles to our family, and both had great teaching jobs that we really enjoyed. We were loving married life, but knew that our marriage had another purpose...to create a family.<br /><br />We tried on our own for almost a year to have a child. When that wasn't working, I asked my doctor about it. She suggested we try some drugs and so I started taking Clomid. Again, after a few months of no luck I asked my doctor what the next step was. She suggested we visit with the doctors at the U of I Reproductive Clinic. This was the first time I knew in my heart that something was wrong. I knew that they don't refer normal people on to that clinic, so I panicked. My husband thought it was no big deal. He thought they would do some testing and help us figure out what was going on.<br /><br />We had a few different appointments at the clinic and a TON of testing was done to both of us. I can not tell you how many times I was poked, pricked, looked at, x-rayed, ultrasounded, etc. After weeks of different tests, they decided that we fell into the category of unexplained infertility. Apparently about 25% of couples experience some sort of infertility issue, with about 10% being in the unexplained category. The best way to explain what that means is that we are both completely healthy, there is nothing wrong with us medically, and we can very much have a biological child.<br /><br />With that said, I was upset and very frustrated. All that testing and you can't explain to me what is going on? I actually wanted there to be something wrong with me so they could fix it! Of course it wouldn't be that easy.<br /><br />The first thing they had us try was IUI. We did IUI a few times with no success. It was gut wrenching to wait every month to see if it had worked. Every month was a huge let down with me feeling like a failure, my husband having to console me, and us grasping for reasons as to why this was happening to us.<br /><br />After the failed IUI's, we asked about other options. They began talking to us about IVF. This was an option that freaked me out completely! All I knew was that surgery and a lot of needles were involved. I also knew that it was really expensive. I didn't know if I was strong enough emotionally after all we had already been through to go through with it. <br /><br />After much thought and research on our own, we decided to go for it. I spent a lot of time on the phone with our insurance company and found out they would cover a good portion of the procedure. We figured we might as well at least try it and what did we have to lose? We really had no idea what was in store for us by trying IVF. I think I better save that story for the next post!mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-9078151565708519262010-04-19T18:36:00.002-05:002010-04-19T18:55:16.604-05:00That Was the Preface, Here Comes the Build UpWhen I went to college, I threw myself into school. I went to college about 5 hours away from home for two reasons: 1. Because it was the best place to go to become a teacher and 2. Because it was as far away from home as you could go without leaving the state. For many reasons, I no longer wanted to be close to my hometown. It was a place full of good and bad memories, with the bad very much outweighing the good. If you know me well, you know that I rarely go to visit my hometown anymore to this day. <br /><br />Anyway, my first few years of college were interesting. I was in a long-term relationship and we were engaged. I truly in my heart thought that we would get married. I was working my bootie off to put myself through school and wanted to make my older brother and sister proud. They had both gone to college and had done well, so being the youngest in my family, I wanted to do the same. I made some new friends, but kept MANY of the old and always had a good time when not studying. <br /><br />Then it happened...it was the end of the world, or so I thought! My boyfriend and I broke up. At the time of our break-up we had been living together for a few years. We were going separate directions in our lives and just grew apart. I mostly blame myself, but I knew that in the end it wouldn't have worked out. Still to this day I am grateful for that relationship because it was a loving one that outlined for me what I wanted out of relationships in the future.<br /><br />I was still recovering from our breakup when my room mates at the time wanted to go out to the bar. I wasn't really into it that night, but we all went together. We met these guys there and started talking. They were really funny, crazy, and having a VERY good time together. My room mate thought one of them was cute, so she somehow convinced me to go to the dance floor with her so she could get a closer look. One thing lead to another and she ended up slow dancing with him, while I got stuck dancing with his friend.<br /><br />Turns out his friend was this amazingly nice, cute guy who was also going to school to become a teacher. We talked, and drank, talked, and drank. At the end of the night, he asked to walk me home the one tiny block to our apartment. My room mate would not let him come with us. As we walked away he asked for my number. I turned around and shouted it out to him as loud as I could. He didn't write it down or anything, so I figured that was the end of it.<br /><br />The next day, the phone rang. My room mate said, "It's for you and it's a guy!". I was so confused but picked up the phone anyway. He had actually called me to ask me out. Long story short, that man has now been my husband for almost 6 years. He still claims that I am the only girl who gave him their number that he actually called in college. Lucky, lucky me!mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-48700429350757791582010-04-18T19:14:00.002-05:002010-04-18T19:34:12.507-05:00Motherly LoveI grew up with the best mother a child could imagine. She taught preschool & piano lessons, was our church organist, was great at redecorating our house, and often baked goodies for us after school. I knew from a very early age that I wanted to be just like her. She actually influenced me to become a teacher and I have always hoped that someday I can be half the mom she was to me!<br />The summer between my 7th & 8th grade year, my mom passed away from cancer. She had been sick for quite awhile. We watched my mom change from a very active, vibrant woman to someone that didn't even seem like the same person anymore. I often helped her do things when she was no longer able to and at the time, I hated every minute of it. I wished that my mom was like all the other moms who were able to take their daughters shopping or could go watch all their athletic events. I resented her so much for getting sick and not being the same mom that she used to be. I couldn't have friends over anymore and it was embarrassing to have to tell people why. <br />When summer was over and it was time to go back to school, it was weird. It seemed like no one even knew that my mom had died. I had gotten cards from friends and teachers a few times over the summer, but no one really knew what I had been going through. It was a tough transition and I felt like since people didn't know, I didn't have a lot of support. Death is not a usual topic for 8th graders, so I guess I just never brought it up. <br />It makes me sad now though that I never did tell people. I should have honored my mother's memory and told people about her. Some people that I went to school with still have no idea that my mom passed away and they just assume that my step-mom is my real mom. It hurts me that my close friends knew my mom, but we were so young and so now they don't even remember her. She was such a great person and I wish they had a chance to really know her. <br />I have always felt guilty for being mad at her for getting sick. If I had only been a little bit older, I think I would have understood a little better what was happening. I wish that I could go back and help her again with all those everyday things that I hated doing at the time. I would gladly wash her face and paint her nails now if I had the chance to do it all over again! <br />I still love her dearly and think of her almost every single day. There is not one major decision in my life that I have not thought to myself about what she would think. Every time I see a picture of her it reminds me of how lucky I was to have her in my life for 12 short years. I only wish that she was here to see her grown children, her 5 grandchildren, meet her children's spouses, and visit all her other family. I think she would be really proud of all of us!mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-90217455894741875482010-04-18T16:40:00.002-05:002010-04-18T16:45:49.509-05:00Why did I call this Stepping Stones?I had to pick a name for my blog and I asked my husband for ideas. He said "Just don't name it something dumb". Well, that makes for a wide range of things! <br />I ended up deciding to call it Stepping Stones for a few different reasons. Have you ever come to some water that you needed to cross and you looked along the edge for some rocks to walk on? Those "stepping stones" form a bridge for you to cross over to the other side. I think this blog might just help me get over a hump or "cross over" if you will, to something on the other side. The other side for me is a place where good things happen and I have a positive attitude and outlook on life!mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-4341728070403540992010-04-18T16:15:00.001-05:002010-04-18T16:21:23.097-05:00My friend, my rock, my husband.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieSuOqWhu_6LrTq6ti8pPUf8XlvlD3BBS-JY5lF2KoIWMX9oe_nbKCe_WBiq6ED2Dn6oEFa7SKYWe2y54ltEvwOoUncx6CtgxW19qn-j-hIRD8Ddh2K-znfOB_N1ndKpeH5pbWJMJC_4Q/s1600/n523715392_5364145_2944.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 180px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieSuOqWhu_6LrTq6ti8pPUf8XlvlD3BBS-JY5lF2KoIWMX9oe_nbKCe_WBiq6ED2Dn6oEFa7SKYWe2y54ltEvwOoUncx6CtgxW19qn-j-hIRD8Ddh2K-znfOB_N1ndKpeH5pbWJMJC_4Q/s320/n523715392_5364145_2944.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5461589867327705650" /></a>mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1972762037459643131.post-39163242430077055672010-04-18T16:13:00.002-05:002010-04-18T16:20:14.842-05:00A Little NervousSo today is the day I decided to finally start a blog. I asked my husband for permission since it involves him too and he said, "If it helps someone else, then go ahead". So here we go...wish me luck!mglanzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11214780602863037418noreply@blogger.com2