Now that we've decided to fully work towards adopting, I don't feel as guilty about not yet being a mother. The guilt of not being able to become pregnant has haunted me since the day my OBGYN told me that she wanted to send me on to a special clinic for a more detailed evaluation.
I have been so weighed down with the fact that I have not be able to start a family with my husband. I have cried and cried with him, telling him that I wouldn't blame him if he left me for another girl that would be able to help him become a father. Of course, he thinks that's ridiculous and tells me that he wouldn't leave me for anything. I do secretly think though that if he were married to someone else, he would probably have had the chance to be a father years ago.
The fact that his parents are not grandparents yet haunts me too. I can't tell you how guilty I feel for not being able to give them the grandchild that they so deserve. My parents have other grandchildren, so it doesn't feel like I'm letting my dad down as much, but for my husband's parents, we were their first chance at a grandbaby. I'm sure they had huge dreams when we got married of lots of grandchildren in the future, but leave it to me to be the one to squash all of that!
I'm sure it has to be hard for them to see their friends and siblings have grandchildren and they are still just waiting patiently with nothing. I feel like such a failure in that department knowing that they are missing out on a huge part of parenting just like us. I can't change it, but I still am very critical of myself and how this whole situation has turned out. I know that it's not my fault, but it's still hard not to feel bad about it.
I think others feel bad for us too because we have had a few people offer to be surrogates for us. It's funny though because we don't need anyone to carry a baby for us because I can do that part. It's the getting pregnant part that we currently can't overcome. I still find it odd that anyone would care that much about us to even offer to make such a sacrifice, but it speaks to how special some of the people in our lives are. I will forever be grateful for how much support people have given us and frankly, somedays it gets overwhelming. It's just hard to imagine why people would care so much about little old me, but I'm sure glad that you all do. Someday maybe I will care as much for myself as everyone tells me I should, but until then, I'm just going to work on one thing at a time.
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I will admit, it's hard sometimes when people ask us how many grandkids we have. But I always answer that things will happen in due time, one way or another. Plus, having 2 new grandnieces in our family has tugged a bit more at our heartstrings, but we are so thrilled that the family keeps growing. When I look at the beautiful boy my niece adopted from Guatemala, I couldn't be any more attached to him than if Sara & Daryl had conceived him themselves. God has plans, and we don't know what or why they are, and we shouldn't doubt His wisdom in all this. But it is very hard to see you struggle with all the feelings and guilt. Gary and I talk about it a lot--talking sure helps. This is no one's fault--it's just what's happening. And it is hard. I wish I had the magic wand to wave to make it all better--that's what moms are supposed to do, make it all better.
ReplyDeleteMy prayer for you on this Mothers' Day is that you will someday know the joy of loving that special child. We will wait patiently for whatever happens. And continue to love you with all our hearts, no matter what!