Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Pumpkins & Peanuts

Why has it been 8 months since I have posted on this blog? Well too many reasons to explain here, but mostly because our little peanut has been keeping us quite busy.

Being the parent of a 9 month old is all I expected it to be and more. While most days I truly feel blessed for all that I have in my life, there are definitely days that I am exhausted and wonder what happened to my previous life. Where did the days go that I felt sure of myself and knew what each day would bring? What happened to the girl who had time to fix her hair and who didn't forget simple everyday things like mailing in the bills on time? I love being a mom so very much, but there is still part of me that wasn't quite prepared for the role and wasn't ready to give up adult Melissa to become mommy Melissa.

Our little pumpkin brings so much joy to our lives, something that we will forever be grateful for. She also brings a whole new aspect to things like not having any time to ourselves to just be a married couple or time to focus on our own adult lives. While it comes with the territory and we welcome all that comes with being a parent, part of us (or me at least) is sad to leave some things behind.

Leaving things behind seems to be the theme of many things in my life. I have such a hard time with it and it's something that just never gets any easier. When we decided to adopt, I was happy to have something positive to focus on. I didn't want to think about our failed IVF procedures anymore and was looking forward to having something happy come into our lives. When we met our birthfamily and everything seemed to click in place so naturally, it was a dream come true. We had been through so much at that point and the tide started to turn. I was ready to leave all the pain of infertility behind and move on.

Moving on is not always so easy though. Peanut is the best thing to happen to us and never once has our adopting her felt unnatural. It feels as though she is our child and belongs in our family. The past 9 months have just been plain magical and so much more than I would have ever expected. Pumpkin is such a joy, our relationship with our birthfamily has continued to be wonderful, and our family finally feels whole.

So now when the old feelings of grief and frustration about our infertility diagnosis creep up I feel super guilty. I thought I had let all of that go until everyone around me started to get pregnant AGAIN! As anyone that has dealt with infertility or has had trouble getting pregnant can tell you, there is this weird phenomenon that happens to you. Just as you are struggling with your feelings and emotions about all you are going through, suddenly everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) around you starts to announce they are pregnant.

Now that we have our little peanut, I don't mind as much when people tell me they are expecting a baby. I can finally share in their joy and all that is to come for them. I can finally relate to them and can sometimes even give baby advice. Lately though, I have found myself getting upset and emotional again when I am around the friends and coworkers that are currently pregnant. Discussions about ultrasounds, breastfeeding, babies kicking or moving around, etc. seem to be all that I hear. I try to focus on everything positive in my life and of course I feel so lucky to have been able to adopt, but once again, I find myself grieving the things that I did not get to experience with Pumpkin. I did not get to feel her kick inside me or bond with her while breastfeeding. I did not get to experience what it feels like to be in labor with her or feel what it's like to have your body change when a life is growing inside of you.

All of those things I hope to someday still experience, but I don't know that I ever will. Will I ever feel like I measure up to other moms and women in my life that did give birth to their own children? Probably not. Do I feel like less of a mom because we adopted and my friends and coworkers did not? Yes, every day. Do I think these are things that are normal to feel? Yes, but it still is very hard.

While many things in life are hard and I know that, one thing I know that is easy is loving our little peanut. While I may not have given birth to her and now have to deal with the feelings that come post adoption, that doesn't change how much I love her. I love her more than I ever thought humanly possible. She has changed my life and made it so much more meaningful. While I am still sad about what we went through on our journey to becoming parents, I honestly wouldn't change any of it because if I did then we wouldn't have Pumpkin in our life now.