Thursday, April 22, 2010

Little Boy Brock

The holiday season this year was helpful for me. It was nice to be able to spend time with family and take our minds off of all we had been through. Usually the holidays are the worst time of year because I think about our family Christmas's growing up and it makes me sad for all the holidays that my mom has missed.

We spent a lot of time with both of our families this holiday season and even got to finally begin painting the interior of our new house. I say new, even though we have lived here a year and still have what I refer to as "construction white" on our walls. The only room that has been painted is the guest bathroom. Imagine that, the one room that we don't use very often and that's the one we decide to start decorating!

At any rate, the holidays were good and New Year's was even better. We spent a quiet, yet fun night at my brother-in-law's house hanging out with good friends. Nothing like spending time with friends to make you feel better! Friends is not an area that either of us are lacking in.

I have been super lucky in regards to having really great friends in my life. There is a group of 4 woman who I have been friends with since preschool and elementary school. The 5 of us still get together for girls weekends and even our husband like to hang out with each other. We have been through just about everything you can imagine between all of us and have been there to support each other, no matter what the issue is. What I love about these woman is that they don't judge me for anything that I do. In all of the years that we have been friends, they have never said one negative thing to me about any of the choices I have made in my life.

Our friendship has evolved over the years. In college it changed slightly as we all made new friends to add to the old. When we started getting married, we were of course all in each others weddings (or will be once we are all married I'm sure!). Two of us have had children, which again changed our friendships, but for the better. When you see your closet friends become mothers, it's the best thing in the world. You picture your own children spending time together just like you did. My two friends are the best moms. I say that with a little bias, but I really do look forward to being a wonderful mom just like them.

Like I said before, the 5 of us have been through just about everything together. We have supported each other through our own health issues, our parent's health issues, dating problems, engagements, the joys of weddings, and whatever else you can think of. One thing I never thought we'd have to go through was the death of one of our children.

It was January and I was sort of getting back into a funk with my emotions. The holidays were over and it was depressing to think about having to face our two failed IVF procedures again. I didn't have much to look forward to because spring break was a long ways away and the end of the school year wasn't even on the radar yet.

One day after school my cell phone was beeping. I never have my cell phone out during the school day, but I decided that I had better check the message. It was one of my friends. I could tell by the sound of her voice that this was not a good message. She could barely mutter out the words that I needed to call her at the first chance I had. I figured I had better just call right that second because I wanted to make sure that everything was okay.

I should have waited until I got home, but I didn't. Standing in my empty classroom, my friend told me the worst news possible. Our other friend's barely 2 year-old son had passed away in his sleep. We had just been there the weekend before playing with him, so at first I didn't believe her. I had to sit down and didn't even know what to say. She cried and I cried. After a few minutes, we got off the phone after deciding that I would call her again that evening.

I immediately called my husband at his school and asked him to please stop at my school on his way home. When he arrived, he rushed into my room and I told him the news. He started crying and we embraced. I then did the ugly cry and hoped that none of my coworkers in the rooms around us could hear me.

I couldn't believe that he was gone. He was the cutest, sweetest little boy that you could ever meet. His personality was just starting to blossom and he already had his parent's sense of humor. I just couldn't believe that God would take him away. What was wrong with this world and why did he take him so early from everyone?

I just didn't get it. The next few days were really hard. It took me forever to call my friend to console her. I had texted her, but didn't call right away because I just plain didn't know what to say. Here I had been grieving the child that I was not able to have and now she was grieving the child that had been taken away.

We went to the memorial service and the funeral. It was one of the hardest funerals I have ever been to. He just looked like a little doll in his casket and I just kept thinking he should be jumping out and running back to his house to play with his dog, which was also his best buddy. It just plain was not fair!

It took all of me not to be mad at the world and to be there for our friends. My husband had a really hard time seeing her husband, who had become his good friend, grieve the loss of his son. Us wanting children so badly and them losing their child was just too much to take.

I think Hallmark needs to make cards for people that are grieving the loss of not being able to have a child. When someone dies you can send flowers, or cards, or make food, but no one does those things when people are mourning the loss of not being able to have a child. Why is that? I never got flowers when I had all of my procedures or even when they all failed to create a pregnancy. Is that because people are uncomfortable with the topic or is it because they don't know what to say or do? That is something that I will have to think a little more about.

I love my friends dearly and I can't say that I know anything about losing a child. What I do know is that grieving is not easy. It is a process and it takes time. My hope for the future is that my friends begin to heal and have joy in their lives again. I also hope the same happens for my husband and I.

Love you forever Amy, Neal, and Brock!


  1. You are so amazing and so strong Melissa! Our friendships have stood the test of time and will continue to evolve and develop as life throws curve balls at us. I think maybe we should all write a book together about our journeys together, good and bad :) I love you and I hope you know I am here for anything you need. I love reading your blog and look forward to more.
    Amy, Megan and Nat, I love you to pieces too!!

  2. I have only been with your friends a few times, but on those occasions, it was pretty obvious the close relationship you all have! Such great girls for your "chicas!" I was happiest for that the day we learned of Brock's death, knowing you would all be there for Amy & Neal, and each other. Such an unthinkable tragedy that shouldn't have happened. But it did, and you were all there supporting, loving and grieving together. How lucky you are to have friendships like that. Treasure them forever!
    Melissa--I'm glad to know you enjoyed the holidays so much. We thought you were, and I'm so glad to confirm that. We had a great time, too! I always say, "It's always a holiday when we're with our kids!" Don't need a reason!
    Thank you again for sharing all this. And again, as always, I love you.

  3. What a wonderful post. You have such a way with the words. Thanks for sharing your heart!