Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Try #2

The clinic's next up-time happened to start right before school was supposed to begin again. I immediately told the doctors that I would not be in the right frame of mind nor would I be able to relax and rest at the start of the school year. People that have not taught have no idea how stressful the beginning of the school year really is! Plus I had just moved to a different school in my district and was still getting used to being with new staff in a different building. I didn't think it would be the best time for me to be dealing with all the things that come with IVF.

We settled on the next up-time which was at the beginning of November. That would put our procedures right around Thanksgiving. We thought that might work better because things would have settled down and it would be closer to when we would have time off for the holidays.

When it got closer, I decided I had better inform the other kindergarten teachers about what I was about to go through for the second time. I also informed my principal who was so completely understanding and supportive. I was so glad to have a boss that understood the emotions that come with trying to have a child and she was willing to flexible with me as far as time off for doctor appointments and such.

This time around that shots were a little better. My husband had become a pro at giving them to me and we often joked about how maybe his calling was not to be a PE teacher, but instead to be a nurse. I did have a bad reaction to one of the injections though that I did not have the first time and had a softball size area on my hip that was bruised, bright red, and hard as a rock. I remember going to school one day and I acted like nothing was wrong, but man it hurt so much to walk! My class kept bumping into it as they moved around the room and I winced every time!

As the time for the retrieval and the implantation came closer, I started counting the days on the calendar. I realized that if my levels followed the same rate as the last round, I might have one procedure on a Sunday and the other on actual Thanksgiving. Well, guess what?! That is what happened. We went in on a Sunday for the egg retrieval and I went right back to work the next day. On Mondays in my classroom we often do a weekend update activity where the kids tell what they did over the weekend. If they only knew what I had been doing all weekend that time!

That Thursday we went in for the implantation. I told the nurses how sorry I was that they had to be there on Thanksgiving. They told me it was no big deal and that they were actually cooking Thanksgiving dinner in their lounge as they were working with me. I laughed and we joked about multitasking.

Knowing what we knew from the first round, they decided that they would go straight to ICSI and so we knew going in that our embryos were much healthier. They looked good and the team chose the two strongest to implant. It was a really smooth procedure and the nurse held my hand this time. She said a little prayer while stroking my head and it brought a tear to my eye.

We again stayed there the allotted time and went home to cook our own Thanksgiving dinner. My husband made me lay on the couch, but we did have a nice dinner together that day. I remember thinking that even though we didn't get to be with our families on that holiday, it was okay because we were trying to make our own little family.

We waited the 15 days again. That was the worst. I had to go to work every day and wonder and not be able to talk to very many people about it. No one really knew and that again made it difficult. It was the holiday season and you are supposed to be jolly, so I put on a brave face and did just that.

Well, to make a long story short, our results were again negative. This house was not going to have a baby in it. No baby would be sleeping in our extra room that we had decided would be our nursery. We would not have great news to share with everyone at Christmas.

I went into a dark place within myself. I have always been really hard on myself and my husband has always told me to not put so much pressure on myself. This was not good for me. I didn't know anyone that had been through this and so I didn't know who to turn to. Every time I talked about it to anyone, I immediately started to cry. It was taking over my life and I didn't know what to do. Thank goodness Christmas break came fast because I have never needed time off so much in my life!


  1. You are such a good writer Melissa! Thanks for sharing your story. I'm praying for your family!

  2. Caleb and I continue to pray for you both.